I’ve been thinking a lot lately about where I am in life. Right now. Compared to three, four, five years ago. Right now I am: three years into a new life in Ashley, ND. Married. Literally planted roots here. Trying to start a family. Have re-ignited and strengthened my faith. Continuing to take control of my fitness.
As I think about all of these things, I can’t help but think that right now, this very moment, has been the first time in my life where I’ve felt like I really “fit in”.
Growing up, I always felt like that girl who never really fit in. The girl who always tried to be friends with the “popular girls” but it never really worked. I always ended up walking away crying or feeling like it was all just a sham. I was never into sports, I wasn’t coordinated. I spent much of my youth riding horses and involved in 4-H and thankfully, I made friends through both of those outlets.
Junior high were the worst years of my teenage life. Between boys making fun of me for growing boobs at a young age and the cruelty that can be the hormonal female, I spent many days going home from school crying. My mom still remembers those days she spent wrapping me in her arms and reminding me that I am a beautiful, smart girl who can become anything she puts her mind to.
High school came and went… I hung out with people across the board. Some were the jocks and cool kids, some were the losers and “druggies”. But I didn’t really have anywhere where I felt like I “fit”. I was always bouncing from one group to another with mutual friends in both. I rebelled from my faith, completely. I dated many different types of boys. I thought I was in love, turns out I had no idea what love really is. I was a good student and had opportunities in front of me. I ended up taking the safe route, graduating, and attending college in the same town I grew up in.
I think my years in college were the most difficult and disappointing times of my life. I had so many opportunities in life and when I look back on it all, I threw them away for things that don’t matter in this life. And honestly, it was during those years of my life that I really where I ended up finding myself in a wilderness. I’ve written about that experience. I found myself so far from what I thought I a. was going to be doing and b. who I thought I was. I pursued many different trails in order to find fulfillment, some were destructive and some were beneficial like photography and eventually blogging, which led me to where I am today.
After many, many years of battling through feeling like I just didn’t fit in anywhere. Years of feeling insecure about who I am, what I do, and where I am in life…. It has finally all clicked. For the first time in a long time, it fits. Fitting in, I’ve learned, is not about who you are friends with (although that can certainly help), it starts on the inside. It fits because for the first time in my life, I’ve found fulfillment in myself versus investing that in other people or things.
Let’s be real, I still struggle with many aspects of my life. I am not the best Christian, I am not the size I picture in my head, I may not be the most successful, I may not be the most perfect wife, daughter, or friend… But I know one thing.
I am no longer trying to be something I am not. I don’t have to pretend to have it all together. I can be open, I can be honest, I can just be me… And being me comes with a lot of baggage I am not proud of, but today I can stand here in front of all of you and tell you with absolute certainty that I am proud of who I am today.
I pray that all of you, my dear readers, can find that same kind of fulfillment in your own lives. I pray that, you too, although you may not be proud of who you were at one time, you can stand proud today of the person you are.
And thank you, for letting me share little pieces of my honest heart with you all.
the Girl Who Never Fit In