I’ve been thinking a lot lately about where I am in life. Right now. Compared to three, four, five years ago. Right now I am: three years into a new life in Ashley, ND. Married. Literally planted roots here. Trying to start a family. Have re-ignited and strengthened my faith. Continuing to take control of my fitness.
As I think about all of these things, I can’t help but think that right now, this very moment, has been the first time in my life where I’ve felt like I really “fit in”.
Growing up, I always felt like that girl who never really fit in. The girl who always tried to be friends with the “popular girls” but it never really worked. I always ended up walking away crying or feeling like it was all just a sham. I was never into sports, I wasn’t coordinated. I spent much of my youth riding horses and involved in 4-H and thankfully, I made friends through both of those outlets.
Junior high were the worst years of my teenage life. Between boys making fun of me for growing boobs at a young age and the cruelty that can be the hormonal female, I spent many days going home from school crying. My mom still remembers those days she spent wrapping me in her arms and reminding me that I am a beautiful, smart girl who can become anything she puts her mind to.
High school came and went… I hung out with people across the board. Some were the jocks and cool kids, some were the losers and “druggies”. But I didn’t really have anywhere where I felt like I “fit”. I was always bouncing from one group to another with mutual friends in both. I rebelled from my faith, completely. I dated many different types of boys. I thought I was in love, turns out I had no idea what love really is. I was a good student and had opportunities in front of me. I ended up taking the safe route, graduating, and attending college in the same town I grew up in.
I think my years in college were the most difficult and disappointing times of my life. I had so many opportunities in life and when I look back on it all, I threw them away for things that don’t matter in this life. And honestly, it was during those years of my life that I really where I ended up finding myself in a wilderness. I’ve written about that experience. I found myself so far from what I thought I a. was going to be doing and b. who I thought I was. I pursued many different trails in order to find fulfillment, some were destructive and some were beneficial like photography and eventually blogging, which led me to where I am today.
After many, many years of battling through feeling like I just didn’t fit in anywhere. Years of feeling insecure about who I am, what I do, and where I am in life…. It has finally all clicked. For the first time in a long time, it fits. Fitting in, I’ve learned, is not about who you are friends with (although that can certainly help), it starts on the inside. It fits because for the first time in my life, I’ve found fulfillment in myself versus investing that in other people or things.
Let’s be real, I still struggle with many aspects of my life. I am not the best Christian, I am not the size I picture in my head, I may not be the most successful, I may not be the most perfect wife, daughter, or friend… But I know one thing.
I am no longer trying to be something I am not. I don’t have to pretend to have it all together. I can be open, I can be honest, I can just be me… And being me comes with a lot of baggage I am not proud of, but today I can stand here in front of all of you and tell you with absolute certainty that I am proud of who I am today.
I pray that all of you, my dear readers, can find that same kind of fulfillment in your own lives. I pray that, you too, although you may not be proud of who you were at one time, you can stand proud today of the person you are.
And thank you, for letting me share little pieces of my honest heart with you all.
Sincerely,
the Girl Who Never Fit In
Thank you for being so open and sharing, Jenny! I’ve always felt like I never fit in either, but as I got older and found my place in this crazy world it became easier. I know who I am now and where I belong. I’m so happy you’ve found your place in NoDak with your hubs. I just saw your post about infertility for the first time…so sorry to hear that, but I’m praying for you guys. Enjoy your Harley trip through the wild, wild west!
Your so beautiful inside and out. I can’t wait for our paths to cross one day. I felt this way for different reasons – the main one being what I looked like. I’m still not happy with it, but for the first time I can finally begin to see that it doesn’t define me. Powerful stuff — seeing yourself in a different way. Thanks for being awesome and safe travels on the bike. 🙂
Author
Awwww!! <3 Thank you!! And yes, please let's cross paths, soon!!
Hi Jenny, I think this might be the first non-ag/non-wheatie post of yours that I’ve read, though I am not sure why it took me so long! Thank you for writing this brave post! I think a lot of women feel this way for a vast number of reasons, and we don’t realize that we are not alone it it, both with our faith and our peers. Personally I have always felt like I have pretty good sense of self, so my struggle might be less about wanting to fit in and more about accepting that I am who I am for a reason, and not apologizing for it. It’s definitely encouraging to read posts like this from others. I’ll be back more frequently!
Author
thank you so much!! It helps to know that we aren’t alone in our struggles, whatever they may be! I find writing about mine to be therapuetic and the added benefit is that I can inspire other women in the meantime! We are all in this together! 🙂
Jenny-
Thanks for sharing this! I can relate to this (and many other posts) more so than I ever really thought about! Growing up I always had a passion for 4-H, showing cattle & pigs and being on the farm, but for some reason I was embarrassed about it in high school. Because it wasn’t the cool thing to do, I did not take an ag class nor was in FFA! Crazy because now, at the age of 32, I am still embarrassed to tell people that. A year & a half ago, I resigned from teaching high school and junior high agriculture and the FFA advisor position after 8 years. I usually don’t bring up the fact that I wasn’t in ag or FFA in high school because I get strange looks. I’ve got broad shoulders so I have learned to put it all out there. I can defend myself and why I chose the path I did and how it has made me a better person!
Take care & God Bless 🙂
-Alison
Author
Yes, yes, yes! I find that many things I tried to hide about my life many years ago are now some of the things I am most proud of! Isn’t it funny how that works?
Nicely said! You fit in well in Ashley ND and with our 6 am group😀
Thank you for putting my story to words! Jk, but only sort of! The younger years were the same for me…I never fit in back home in Salem, OR! Add to that a doctor induced crazy few years (anti depressants and such put me into mania not take me out!) Where I burned a lot of bridges, I’m still struggling but getting closer to fitting in once and for all!
Author
Do we ever stop struggling? 😉
Wonderfully said Jenny!
Life just gets better and better the older we get. The path to truly finding ourselves is one of the best journeys we could go on in our lifetime. Cheers to being YOU.
Hey Jenny, you’re certainly not alone, I think most of us girls have been there. I can see how mature & confident you’ve become, and I strongly believe most of that comes with learning to like yourself and embracing your faith, one can’t be a good partner until you know and love yourself for who you are.
Author
Amen to that!
I absolutely loved this Jen. I wasn’t a popular girl either. And junior high wasn’t so great when you were the first girl to have boobs and walk into a room when you’re a little cold. It’s amazing how far in life we have progressed from then. Some days it makes me sad to think about, other days I laugh and smile. Just remind yourself that there are other un-popular girls who love and need a friend like you! 🙂
You are awesome! Be proud of who you are…. I know it takes time to get there, but when you arrive you realize it’s an awesome place to be!! 😃
I stumbled across your blog site while “googling” of all things, “history of cheese buttons.” Your site was the one I clicked on. I’ve been reading through your posts. This last post touched my heart as I know many women of all ages can relate at times to “not fitting in.” I know I sure can! However, from what I’ve read from your blog so far, you are one who has learned to follow her heart, her instinct as well as dreams and challenges!
I also wanted to say how much your “love story” with your husband touched me. My situation is a bit of a reversal since I was born and raised in ND and met my Canadian hubby online over 18 years ago……back in the days of “chatrooms.” Long story short, after “chatting” for nine months we decided to meet. Six months later we were married. I moved to Canada and a short time later, we had our son. Did I mention that my family thought I had gone off the “deep end” when I decided to get married and move to Canada??? …ha!
I could relate to what you wrote about your first year of marriage! Adjusting to being married, and a move to an entire new “culture” as I would describe ND, would be a challenge! I moved from ND to a big city in Canada. My husband likes to remind me that the population here is more than the entire population of ND. 🙂
While I’ve adjusted to city life over the years, I don’t know how many times I told my poor husband during those first couple of years, that I didn’t think I would make it living in the city. Even now, I am STILL a “ND farm girl” at heart, and would give anything to move my family to ND……although the extremes in ND weather I don’t miss.
The joke between my hubby and I whenever we are driving to ND to visit family is that once we leave the big city and hit the prairies, I feel “alive!” and I say “I can breathe again!” He hits the prairies and he has a vast feeling of “overwhelming nothingness for miles and miles.”
I have bookmarked your blog and will continue to follow you on your journey as well as your recipes (I collect old cookbooks as well) and other related information you post. I am thankful for the internet as it can keep us close to family and friends as well as keeping up on news from “back home.” All the best to you, your hubby and your adventures! 🙂