This is the hardest post I’ve ever written. This post exposes the most vulnerable parts of me.
But for some reason, I keep coming back to it. Something inside of me keeps saying, share it. My finger has hovered over the publish button for weeks.
I can’t wrap my head around why this topic seems to be some sort of secret code of secrecy among women. I know there are more who have been down this journey.
So I guess a part of me feels like it’s time to break the silence. It’s time to be honest with myself. And the best way I know how is putting it down on paper.
As we get closer and closer into moving into our new home, there’s a phrase that continually gets said to us “well now that you’ve got that big house, now you need to fill it.” And every time it is said to us, I do those things we are supposed to do. I smile, I awkwardly laugh, and I say “yes, it’s in the plan.” Because the truth is, it is in the plan. We all have that perfect little plan don’t we? We love to micromanage every facet of our lives, don’t we?
But sometimes God has others plans, nature has other plans. And suddenly you find yourself realizing the plan isn’t going the way we had expected. I know people are being nice, being friendly, and making a joke when they say that, but I just can’t help but feeling a small piece of me break inside whenever those words are uttered. You see, we are several months into trying for a family. We are trying to fill our new house up…. With no results.
Not really sure why it is easier to admit that here on the this very public forum than it is to admit to some of the people I love the most. But it is.
I am going to be honest with you when I say that I wasn’t fully prepared for the wave of crazy emotions that comes with this journey… I don’t think anything can prepare you for this feeling, this feeling of finally feeling ready for something and not receiving it. This feeling of never expecting this to be your reality. We are now “those people”, the ones you read about on Facebook and all over social media.
I know there are couples who try for years and years and years without any results. Heck, my parents were those people. God BLESS those people. I cannot even begin to imagine the mountains of faith required to make it through that. And I know that our time we’ve spent trying pales in comparison to many, many stories. But this is our story and this is my blog, so I am sharing… in hopes that this speaks to someone out there. After all, in a world full of people saying “you should”, sometimes we just need to hear a “me too”.
I never in my wildest thoughts imagined us being in this situation. At first, I was excited. I had my hopes up, despite what the Dr. told me.. “It could take several months”. Well, so far, she was right.
And the more and more it didn’t happen, I let bitterness sneak in. I would find myself becoming angry over anyone who was pregnant and you know what, pregnancy announcements seemed to FLOOD my life. I couldn’t even get on Facebook without clicking that big red X and sitting at my desk filled with anger. I know this sounds awful, but it was the first emotion that came out. Looking back on that, I am almost positive that was on purpose. It was God, there He was. Just waiting for me to trust him.
So consciously, I’ve made a point to work on praying for all of those in my timeline and my feed who announce pregnancy and those around me who are being blessed with little miracles of life. I am working on not being quick to anger and instead showing love. It is hard, I am not going to lie. But it is what is right for me and my heart.
Then the neurotic phase set in. Everything was calculated, had to be timed. I kept thinking each month that would be a failure was because “maybe the timing wasn’t right”. You can only pee on so many sticks before you feel like your eyes are going blurry. Thank God that phase didn’t last longer than a month because Lord was it stressful.
I finally gave up on this and trusted in my body and God’s timing. I know my body, my cycle, and I need to enjoy this time of trying with my husband. After all, everyone says trying is the best part, right?
Then came feelings of insecurity.. Am I less of a woman because for whatever reason, my body doesn’t want to produce a baby? Is there something wrong with me? I am a healthy, young woman… This shouldn’t be happening… Am I becoming a victim of that awful word nobody likes to talk about “infertility”…?
All of these emotions… Sometimes they come and go so quickly, I feel like I am losing my mind. It certainly doesn’t help that you find out each month didn’t work during the most emotional and hormonal time of the month. So sometimes I just have to let myself feel them. All of them. Maybe even for an hour or two. Sometimes I just need to be angry or sad for a while before I remind myself of perspective… God’s plan and all the many blessings I have.
So slowly, month by month, I am getting better at taking it all with grace. Each month, the tears get less and less and my faith grows. I spend less time dwelling on what could have been and more time just enjoying every moment of the journey. I know there’s a greater lesson out there through all of this.
The only thing we can do is pour ourselves in to the Lord. Continue to trust in the plan He has for our lives. I cannot and will not let the “what ifs” flood my mind. One day at a time and one step at a time, I keep leaning into the Lord. Letting him know that I trust him, no matter how hard that may be. And I know God is molding me into a better, stronger person through all of this. He is bringing me closer to Him and closer to my husband.
In the mean time, while we continue on this plan God has for us, I get to enjoy every little moment I have with that wonderful man God brought into my life. He’s been my rock through all of this. And when I put that into perspective, there’s not much better than that.
Thank you all for letting me share my heart and most importantly, be myself on this blog. All of your support and well wishes mean the world to me. Please pray for my husband and myself as we continue to traverse through this journey. I also ask that you respect our privacy through it all. I promise I will keep you all up to date about any new developments. Love you all!
Likely you already have, but I sure hope your husband gets medically checked out too. It’s disheartening to see women take on all the blame for not quickly (if ever) conceiving a child when it’s half the man’s job too! If he’s a good, responsible man, he should be feeling the worries of inadequacy, etc. as well, and it should be your shared emotional & physical journey, not yours alone! And of course, one way to look at it is that the “worst” that happens is you might get the chance to open your heart & home to a child who arrives via adoption rather than a delivery room. As someone with 3 adopted first cousins, I can attest that the love of a child and welcoming them into a family is bigger than their genetic similarity to you.
Good luck and God bless
Jenny,
I am so sad and sorry to hear this! Please know that I am praying for you both! God created you a wonderful and beautiful woman with purpose, children or no children, no matter what the circumstance! *Hugs*
You are not alone in any of these feelings. We struggled for 11 months before conceiving. We had a beautiful baby girl 12 1/2 years ago. 3 years after she was born, we decided it was time to add another to the family. After 7+ years of trying and switching doctors, we were told, there would be no more babies and after a surgery to see what was going on along with fixing some other issues, were told they aren’t even sure how I had the first one. For many years, we have had the “Oh, you only have one child?; When will you add to your family?” and many like comments. For years I had the hateful thoughts as friends and family announced their pregnancies, had their baby showers, etc. These are all normal thoughts and feelings. To be told that a medical professional wasn’t even sure HOW we had our first child, really brought me that much closer to our Heavenly Father and truly understanding what a miracle is. Today, I am so pleased to celebrate with others who are adding to their families and am overjoyed to be able to watch their children grow up. God truly is in control and has a plan for each and every one of us. We may not understand His plan at the time, but someday, it all makes perfect sense. Hold on to your faith and know that He is in control.
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Thank you so much! I know with all my being He has a plan, but as I remind him, it doesn’t make it hurt any less! 😉 Just thankful I have an amazing community of support, including all of you on this blog!
Your openness and honesty is always refreshing to read. You are a beautiful, BEAUTIFUL person with such a loving soul. I know this without really even knowing you. Your husband is quite the fella, too. 😉 You are right… enjoy him. Enjoy each other. Enjoy the life you have together now, at this point. Don’t look ahead and sure as hell don’t look back. Live life in the now and in the present. What will be, will be. Much love to you, Sister. <3
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Thank you for this my friend!! Love you!
Jenn,
Thoughts and prayers to you! So many have gone before you on this journey and so many other will follow. The Lord will be your guiding light through it all, there is no better comfort. One of my favorite verse in moments such as this… PSALMS 37:4. Thank you for always sharing your heart, it helps some of us know you are human!!
Jenessa
Me too… And It’s been years. I wouldn’t wish this journey on my worse enemy but it has made me a stronger person and strengthened our marriage so much. Blessings can be found even in the worst parts of life.
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AMEN to that!! And just so you know, the faith and strength it requires to traverse this journey years on end inspires and empowers me!! YOU inspire me, thank you for sharing that with me! Will keep you in my prayers and glad to know there’s an open line of communication between us! I am always here, even for the emotion-filled rambles, vents, etc! <3
You are not alone, and indeed, if you were my neighbor, I’d run over and give you a hug. I tend to be overly practical, but if you (like me) tend to pee on a stick more often than is technically necessary, make sure you get the no-frills 10-pack of sticks from Amazon. Blessings to you!
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LOL! For sure!! The no-frills sticks are a must! 😉 Thank you! Hugs!!
Hi Jenny, my dear friend, Emily Mohn, directed me to your blog today. My husband and I have been trying to conceive for over 2 years now – without success; but it might as well be 20, given all of the emotional upheaval you so accurately described.
All I can say to you is that I feel your deep pain and that my husband and I will add you and yours to our prayer list. While you and I are living very different lives (you married a cultivator of the land, I married a cultivator of minds [a professor ;)]), we’re connected by this shared suffering, so I will stay connected with you through prayer.
If you ever want to hear what we’ve been trying (medically), feel free to shoot me an email, but no pressure. Though we all could use a boost or ideas sometimes, we need to go at our own pace and, as you said, live in the trust of God – the God Who really does know our needs.
Until then, peace be with you.
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Thank you so much for commenting and sharing your experiences with me! You’re right, we are connected by this shared suffering! I will add you to my prayer list as well! I so much appreciate you reaching out to me! There is strength in numbers and shared experiences FOR SURE! And yes, I know trusting in God and leaning into Him and His word will always lead me in the right places, but sometimes it feels good to remind him how hard that is! 😉 Hugs and prayers to you! We will be in touch! <3
Amen! He’s heard a LOT from me about how much I think His plan stinks. 😉
Oh Jenny, I personally know your pain. We tried for so long, eventually finding out that something was wrong with me (and medically corrected). Thinking back on all the circumstances, our first came at the perfect time – in God’s time. My prayers go out to you & Mark on this journey.
Lauren
Psalm 116:1 + 7
As a Christian too I really admire your honesty and openness to letting God lead you to this mindset. I know it’s not easy. I will be praying for you all! Happy 4th!
Sharing your story is scary, but oh so brave. I am now in the “trying” phase again after carrying my second pregnancy (I miscarried my first) for 27 weeks and losing him to still birth. It feels like an emotional roller coaster each month, wondering if it will happen for us again or not. And when/if it does, still, there are no guarantees. I have found so much comfort in sharing my experiences. You are not alone in your feelings. Thanks for your bravery. We are given this one life, so sit back, relax, and enjoy the ride, because the rest isn’t up to us. Love to you and your family.
Thanks for your open and honest post Jenny. I think you will now find that there are many women in your life that have dealt with similar situations. I feel like no one talks about infertility or miscarriages, but then after you open up about your experience you’ll realize how many other people around you understand what you’re going through.
My husband and I tried for two years before we conceived our oldest son. I ended up having to go on “stage 1” of infertility treatments and in the end it worked. But while going on treatments I had to go into the doctor’s office to have a pregnancy test done. It was an emotional thing to go in monthly to find out I wasn’t pregnant. Luckily my nurse and doctor were good huggers and let me go out the back door of the clinic if I was crying a lot. And then, one month I went in for the test and they came back with positive news! It was a wonderful feeling. I was beaming ear to ear. Then we had our oldest son and everyone told and warned us that baby #2 would come much easier and faster. Well it didn’t… After trying for 18 months we decided to set up an infertility appointment so I could go back on the same treatment as I did to get pregnant with our oldest. But God laughed at our plan, and the week I had an infertility appointment scheduled I found out I was pregnant! Now, finally the third go around we finally had the sense of it coming “easier and faster” as there are only 19 months between our daughters.
Keep you head up. Don’t google. Trust in God and your doctor. And as your finding out through this post – you’ve got a lot of people here for you.
How cool that when that day comes you will see the blessing in it even more and have reached a deeper intemecy with God and your farmer. Spending a million internet hugs and smiles to you!!
Too well understand. Won’t say it passes. God sometimes has other plans for us.
Oh my dear you are HUMAN and with that comes all of the emotions good and bad, ugly and pretty…don’t be so hard on yourself as all that you express is normal…it is not a sign of weakness nor a lack of faith….you have so much love to give and you give abundantly to those around you, but now it is time to give to yourself…..a little self-compassion to reduce the stress….just breathe….be patient….You are going to be a most wonderful mother <3
Stop being enamored with the idea of a perfect family and just enjoy life.
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What part of this post says I’m enamored with the idea of a perfect family? Is it wrong for me to be married and building a future to want children in that future? I am enjoying life, what part of this says I am not? Please re-read the second to last paragraph again before you reply to me. But thanks so much for your concern and words of encouragement.
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I also pray that if you are married, you and your loved one never have to go through this. It is a very trying time for many, many couples who choose to bring a miracle of life into this world.
God’s grace, girl – it saves us in so many ways! It took my husband and I 9 months to get pregnant….and for us, the doctors were also skeptical. They prepared us for a long journey to pregnancy. And like you, after so many months of marking a calendar and updating an ovulation app on my phone a peeing on sticks…I gave up on the calculated baby making because it was EXHAUSTING. And a few months later…we found out we were expecting our sweet twin girls…spontaneously…no medical intervention. And before the end of the first trimester, we learned that one of those sweet girls had a long road to life. After carrying those precious tiny humans for 36 weeks and 1 day, meeting them and having my heart overflow with love and joy…the next day God called one of them back home and my overflowing heart shattered into a million pieces. I know it is not the same journey you are on now…but I say all this for two reasons. One…I know where you are now. I have been there. It is tough. It is emotionally exhausting. But now I have been on the other side. God gave me two precious babies. And then he took one back. And it has taken ALL of God’s Grace for me to keep moving forward. Trusting he had a very specific plan for our sweet Emmy. And that he will do incredible things with Alexis. And that he took my husband and I on this journey for a reason. I trust he has a plan for you…and it is perfect and beautiful and you will be blessed beyond measure through it. Sending love and prayers your way, sweet friend.
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Oh Jen know that I have cried more than once over your posts and your story. And I am now crying again over this post! Know that I find inspiration and strength in your sharing, more than you will ever know. Honestly when I read your post, the words escaped me. And I felt even the simple words as will be praying for you isn’t nearly enough to cover the hurt. I admire your perspective on it all. It takes some serious faith and trust to be able to experience a deep hurt and know with all your being that God is still in there! Blessed to have you share with me and so many so that we can all be inspired by your words and that God can go to work in all of us! Continue to share and continue to be you! Thank you so much for spilling your heart here.
Right there with you, girl. The Lord’s timing is perfect, but boy, some days it sure doesn’t feel like it.
Praying for you and your husband Jenny. You have so much support from this wonderful online community you have created, and no doubt with your family and friends as well. Your honesty is refreshing and I admire you for it. Thank you for reminding me of the blessings every day life brings and to be grateful to God for every moment. Much love, and the best of luck! Xoxo
Through most every single one of your posts about farming, building a new home, etc I always caught myself wishing we were farm gal neighbors…. Then I stumble across this post and I feel as if we must be long lost sisters.
My farmer and I are currently gong through the same thing. I did get pregnant only to have a miscarriage 9 week in. It was devastating to not have a baby but to have one for a short time and then for it t be taken away is a pain that I can’t even type out. It’s definitely harder with a new home and so many empty bedrooms and people always wondering when we are going to fill them up. I will keep you in my prayers sweet girl – your farmer too…
Please just believe that this will happen for you guys and my farmer and I tell ourselves all the time that this “struggle” will make us better parents. When that day happens for us (and you too) it will make you appreciate it all and take nothing for granted.
Happy Thursday – God’s Blessings
From our farm to yours…
Jen, just try to hold onto the faith that God in his own good time will add to your & hubby’s family.. Now I never had no trouble in that way, in fact it was just the opposite, I had better not forget nor let hubby forget to use those condoms which we both hated. There was only 10 1/2 years between our first and last, with no miscarriages in between; 2 boys then 2 girls. We felt as if we had gained a lifetime of love, joy and a house full of bundles of joy. You just try to do what you feel in your heart is what God is leading the two of you to do and one of these day you will pee on that stick and find a joyful jumping surprise and it may be sooner than later; we ‘ALL’ hope that will happen for you and hubby; you two deserve that to happen but must be in Gods plan also.. I will put you both on my prayer list also… Take Care and Hang Onto The Faith!!
I will be praying for you and strength for the road you are on Jenny. Although I have been blessed with children, I had my own path of trials and loss to get to this point. Faith and God are your friends on the journey. Take care 💜
I’ve read you blog off and on, and stumbled across this one tonight. Hang in there! God will bless you when it is the right time. We tried for 3 years and I finally it happened! We were thrilled only to be heartbroken again by a miscarriage. We found out that my seasonal allergies were contributing to our trouble. 4 months into treatment, I was pregnant and pregnant again 26 months later. Now I have 2 beautiful babies that I thank God for every day. Only He knows your path, have faith and trust in Him!