Infertility isn’t something that ever goes away. As long as you are trying to have a baby, it will forever be in the back of your mind. I did not expect this to be the case. I thought after we had Levi – for some strange reason – I wouldn’t ever have to go back to all of those emotions.
But I am.
I have been feeling the fear and anger of secondary infertility creeping in as the months go by as we’ve been trying to have another baby and also experienced a miscarriage in December. What I have been learning is that once you experience infertility, it is always this constant in your life. It sneaks up on you and works to destroy your spirit when you are already at a low from yet another failed attempt at pregnancy. Except now, it is different. Now, I have this beautiful, amazing miracle to be thankful for all while feeling and experiencing a lot of the same emotions I did in the three years we were trying for Levi.
It is a completely new feeling and it is an awkward place to be.
While we are nowhere near that same journey currently as we were with Levi, the emotions are much of the same. And if I am being honest, it has been hard for me to re-teach myself all of the lessons I learned while we were walking our first journey with infertility.
The past couple of months have been physically and emotionally stressful, we did a lot of traveling and experienced a lot of pain with family members who are sick or have passed away. Paired with the emotions of infertility, I haven’t had a lot of time to let myself process through all of this. To slowly, but surely, walk the steps. Instead, a lot of my pain and fear came out as anger and a lot of it was taken out on those closest to me.
So much like previously, slowly day by day, I am getting better at taking it all with grace. Each month, the fears get less and less and my faith grows. I spend less time dwelling on what could have been and more time just enjoying every moment of the journey. I know there’s a greater lesson out there through all of this.
I keep reminding myself that the only thing I can do is pour myself into the Lord – and I will be honest, I spent a while away. I was angry and questioning God after we experienced our miscarriage in December. That baby would have potentially shared a birthday with Levi. And my heart just swelled knowing that we could have celebrated two sweet babes in September of this year. And while I didn’t and still don’t understand God’s plan for our family. I have to continue to trust in that plan, even though I don’t know what it looks like.
I cannot and will not let the “what ifs” flood my mind. One day at a time and one step at a time, I keep leaning into the Lord.
I continue to re-trace the promises our God makes to those who believe in Him. Through Levi, I am reminded that by God’s grace and power, we were blessed with a happy, healthy baby boy who has now grown into a toddler. And that I have the confidence to believe He can and will do it again.
I know from my previous journey that God will use this pain, this anger, these fears for His purpose. That I can either let them become my prison or I can make them my platform. I can share and talk about it, so anyone who may have walked this path will know that YOU ARE NOT ALONE. You are never alone in this journey.
I am reminded that this journey, it isn’t permanent. And although it may be the most difficult part of my process, it will also produce the most power in my life. It will be the place where God will do great work in my heart and in my life. To strengthen, encourage, and bring me closer to Him. I am reminded of James 1:2-5 which says “Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles of any kind come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing.” James tells us to consider trials much like this as an opportunity for great joy.
So, as I embark on this path yet again, I am to be searching for those moments of great joy. Those breadcrumbs of God’s promises at work in my life. That power that comes only through experiencing pain in this life. It isn’t permanent – it is but a mere blip on the radar of life. And even on the days when I fail to remember all of this, I know this. God loves me. He loves me fiercely and his love endures forever.
Amen.
Thank you all for your continued support, love, and prayers for our family and for myself, both now and through those years we walked trying to have Levi. Your kindness, your love, and your prayers mean more to us than you’ll ever know.
To read more about our journey, you can visit these posts:
- The Journey of Finding Trust in God’s Plan
- Your Pain Serves a Purpose. Godly Lessons in Infertility.
- Sometimes You Have to Marvel at God’s Humor. (Our pregnancy announcement)
If you have not seen it, read Dylan Dreyer’s (Today Show) amazing story. Prayers for you and all those suffering and longing for a child.
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Thank you! I was SO EXCITED to see Dylan’s story on a national tv station! The stigma of infertility needs to be addressed and talked about MORE!
<3
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Hugs to you Lisa!
Blessings to you and your family as you wait for God’s timing.
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Thanks Deb! <3