This is the hardest post I’ve ever written. This post exposes the most vulnerable parts of me.
But for some reason, I keep coming back to it. Something inside of me keeps saying, share it. My finger has hovered over the publish button for weeks.
I can’t wrap my head around why this topic seems to be some sort of secret code of secrecy among women. I know there are more who have been down this journey.
So I guess a part of me feels like it’s time to break the silence. It’s time to be honest with myself. And the best way I know how is putting it down on paper.
As we get closer and closer into moving into our new home, there’s a phrase that continually gets said to us “well now that you’ve got that big house, now you need to fill it.” And every time it is said to us, I do those things we are supposed to do. I smile, I awkwardly laugh, and I say “yes, it’s in the plan.” Because the truth is, it is in the plan. We all have that perfect little plan don’t we? We love to micromanage every facet of our lives, don’t we?
But sometimes God has others plans, nature has other plans. And suddenly you find yourself realizing the plan isn’t going the way we had expected. I know people are being nice, being friendly, and making a joke when they say that, but I just can’t help but feeling a small piece of me break inside whenever those words are uttered. You see, we are several months into trying for a family. We are trying to fill our new house up…. With no results.
Not really sure why it is easier to admit that here on the this very public forum than it is to admit to some of the people I love the most. But it is.
I am going to be honest with you when I say that I wasn’t fully prepared for the wave of crazy emotions that comes with this journey… I don’t think anything can prepare you for this feeling, this feeling of finally feeling ready for something and not receiving it. This feeling of never expecting this to be your reality. We are now “those people”, the ones you read about on Facebook and all over social media.
I know there are couples who try for years and years and years without any results. Heck, my parents were those people. God BLESS those people. I cannot even begin to imagine the mountains of faith required to make it through that. And I know that our time we’ve spent trying pales in comparison to many, many stories. But this is our story and this is my blog, so I am sharing… in hopes that this speaks to someone out there. After all, in a world full of people saying “you should”, sometimes we just need to hear a “me too”.
I never in my wildest thoughts imagined us being in this situation. At first, I was excited. I had my hopes up, despite what the Dr. told me.. “It could take several months”. Well, so far, she was right.
And the more and more it didn’t happen, I let bitterness sneak in. I would find myself becoming angry over anyone who was pregnant and you know what, pregnancy announcements seemed to FLOOD my life. I couldn’t even get on Facebook without clicking that big red X and sitting at my desk filled with anger. I know this sounds awful, but it was the first emotion that came out. Looking back on that, I am almost positive that was on purpose. It was God, there He was. Just waiting for me to trust him.
So consciously, I’ve made a point to work on praying for all of those in my timeline and my feed who announce pregnancy and those around me who are being blessed with little miracles of life. I am working on not being quick to anger and instead showing love. It is hard, I am not going to lie. But it is what is right for me and my heart.
Then the neurotic phase set in. Everything was calculated, had to be timed. I kept thinking each month that would be a failure was because “maybe the timing wasn’t right”. You can only pee on so many sticks before you feel like your eyes are going blurry. Thank God that phase didn’t last longer than a month because Lord was it stressful.
I finally gave up on this and trusted in my body and God’s timing. I know my body, my cycle, and I need to enjoy this time of trying with my husband. After all, everyone says trying is the best part, right?
Then came feelings of insecurity.. Am I less of a woman because for whatever reason, my body doesn’t want to produce a baby? Is there something wrong with me? I am a healthy, young woman… This shouldn’t be happening… Am I becoming a victim of that awful word nobody likes to talk about “infertility”…?
All of these emotions… Sometimes they come and go so quickly, I feel like I am losing my mind. It certainly doesn’t help that you find out each month didn’t work during the most emotional and hormonal time of the month. So sometimes I just have to let myself feel them. All of them. Maybe even for an hour or two. Sometimes I just need to be angry or sad for a while before I remind myself of perspective… God’s plan and all the many blessings I have.
So slowly, month by month, I am getting better at taking it all with grace. Each month, the tears get less and less and my faith grows. I spend less time dwelling on what could have been and more time just enjoying every moment of the journey. I know there’s a greater lesson out there through all of this.
The only thing we can do is pour ourselves in to the Lord. Continue to trust in the plan He has for our lives. I cannot and will not let the “what ifs” flood my mind. One day at a time and one step at a time, I keep leaning into the Lord. Letting him know that I trust him, no matter how hard that may be. And I know God is molding me into a better, stronger person through all of this. He is bringing me closer to Him and closer to my husband.
In the mean time, while we continue on this plan God has for us, I get to enjoy every little moment I have with that wonderful man God brought into my life. He’s been my rock through all of this. And when I put that into perspective, there’s not much better than that.
Thank you all for letting me share my heart and most importantly, be myself on this blog. All of your support and well wishes mean the world to me. Please pray for my husband and myself as we continue to traverse through this journey. I also ask that you respect our privacy through it all. I promise I will keep you all up to date about any new developments. Love you all!