I wasn’t going to hit publish on this… I wrote it last week. And it has taken me about a week to work through all of this… I was emotional, I was hormonal, and I was hurting. My personal life, my public life, and my social media life all felt the effects of this hurt. I don’t like continually writing posts like this. It makes me feel vulnerable and open to way too much criticism in a public forum. However, I know these are the stories all women need to read. And need to hear. If you’re currently struggling with trying to conceive, YOU ARE NOT ALONE. I am here. I am one of you. And I am telling you, your feelings are justified… All of them. Here are mine.
Hormones are great aren’t they…? Said no woman ever.
If you’ve followed me for any amount of time, you’re probably aware of the fact we are going through the journey of trying to grow our family. And so far, God has other plans for us right now. That reality is a hard one to swallow. It makes me emotional, it makes me frustrated, and it makes me angry. It makes me go into full “life sucks” mode when in reality, it doesn’t. It is far from sucking. In fact, my life is blessed. Very blessed in so many ways.
Usually I am pretty good at finding God’s grace and trusting in God’s plan. This month has been a struggle, mainly because my post ovulation week+ was markedly different. There were symptoms I never had before. There was a glimmer of hope.
But when that glimmer of hope was shattered with yet another failed month, I lost it. Emotions flooded me. Sadness, frustration, anger. It all came pouring out. We’ve gone through this long enough for me to realize how important it is to let myself feel. Holding in the tears only makes a larger and more violent explosion later on. I’ve learned that much.
So there I was, lying on our bed. Late for work. Shutting myself out from the world. Sobbing until I couldn’t sob anymore. Completely and utterly…. empty.
And needing to be filled with something.
So after I cried until I couldn’t cry anymore I reminded myself, this is the reality I am faced with, right now. God knows it hurts me. God knows it hurts those around me who love me. God knows it makes me angry. God knows it makes me frustrated. God knows it makes them frustrated too. God also knows the grand plan He has for the hubby and me. God knows all of it.
That helped me take the first step…
But I still struggled. I don’t know the plan and I don’t have answers. And boy, friends, let me tell you. That is so hard to swallow. And so I took one step back…
Trusting God is easy when things are going good. Thanking and praising God is easy when you receive what you seek. When life hands you the praises, it is easy to give glory to God. But do you know when it isn’t easy?
When He listens to your prayers every single night. And He says, I know. Just wait. Wait for Me. And My plan.
Some days it is much easier to praise him through this trial. Some days it is hard. Some days I lose my shit.
I’m human. I am not perfect. I am broken.
It has taken several days for me to process all of this hurt. And it has taken me nearly a week to find the steps forward, not back.
You see, the more I thought about all of it, all I could think about was that God loves me through all of it. He loves me even when I feel like flipping life the bird. And He listens to me when I scream and curse at how much this unknown hurts.
Boy, that is some kind of love. (All my parents who have raised teenagers know what I mean here)
It is because of his grace and his love that I can put one foot in the front of the other and continue on this path. There may be more tears, there may be more frustration. He knows that. And He’s still here.
Friends, I can’t even tell you today how much that means to me. And so even though I may still feel sad and frustrated through this trial, I will praise Him. Because, as last week proved, I am nothing without Him. I am that sobbing mess of a woman without His grace and His love. I am angry and frustrated. I am full of bitterness. I am all sorts of emotions I don’t like coming out of myself.
And today, after the week I just lived through, I find encouragement in Romans 8:38-39.
For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
Even when life gets hard, when life brings us hurt, even when I am angry and ashamed of my own actions, God loves. And NOTHING will separate me from the love of God.
And through that love, anything is possible. That is my truth for this week. And I will cling to it as we continue to face this journey.
Thank you all for your continued prayers and messages of encouragement. Many of them have touched my life deeper than you’ll ever know. We go to the doctor at the end of the month, prayers for continued answers are appreciated.