I Am Nothing…

I Am Nothing…

I wasn’t going to hit publish on this… I wrote it last week. And it has taken me about a week to work through all of this… I was emotional, I was hormonal, and I was hurting. My personal life, my public life, and my social media life all felt the effects of this hurt. I don’t like continually writing posts like this. It makes me feel vulnerable and open to way too much criticism in a public forum. However, I know these are the stories all women need to read. And need to hear. If you’re currently struggling with trying to conceive, YOU ARE NOT ALONE.  I am here. I am one of you. And I am telling you, your feelings are justified… All of them. Here are mine. 

Hormones are great aren’t they…? Said no woman ever. 

If you’ve followed me for any amount of time, you’re probably aware of the fact we are going through the journey of trying to grow our family. And so far, God has other plans for us right now. That reality is a hard one to swallow. It makes me emotional, it makes me frustrated, and it makes me angry. It makes me go into full “life sucks” mode when in reality, it doesn’t. It is far from sucking. In fact, my life is blessed. Very blessed in so many ways. 

Usually I am pretty good at finding God’s grace and trusting in God’s plan. This month has been a struggle, mainly because my post ovulation week+ was markedly different. There were symptoms I never had before. There was a glimmer of hope. 

But when that glimmer of hope was shattered with yet another failed month, I lost it. Emotions flooded me. Sadness, frustration, anger. It all came pouring out. We’ve gone through this long enough for me to realize how important it is to let myself feel. Holding in the tears only makes a larger and more violent explosion later on. I’ve learned that much. 

So there I was, lying on our bed. Late for work. Shutting myself out from the world. Sobbing until I couldn’t sob anymore. Completely and utterly…. empty. 

Empty. 

And needing to be filled with something. 

So after I cried until I couldn’t cry anymore I reminded myself, this is the reality I am faced with, right now. God knows it hurts me. God knows it hurts those around me who love me. God knows it makes me angry. God knows it makes me frustrated. God knows it makes them frustrated too. God also knows the grand plan He has for the hubby and me. God knows all of it. 

That helped me take the first step…

But I still struggled. I don’t know the plan and I don’t have answers. And boy, friends, let me tell you. That is so hard to swallow. And so I took one step back…

Trusting God is easy when things are going good. Thanking and praising God is easy when you receive what you seek. When life hands you the praises, it is easy to give glory to God. But do you know when it isn’t easy?

When He listens to your prayers every single night. And He says, I know. Just wait. Wait for Me. And My plan.  

Some days it is much easier to praise him through this trial. Some days it is hard. Some days I lose my shit. 

I’m human. I am not perfect. I am broken. 

It has taken several days for me to process all of this hurt. And it has taken me nearly a week to find the steps forward, not back. 

You see, the more I thought about all of it, all I could think about was that God loves me through all of it. He loves me even when I feel like flipping life the bird. And He listens to me when I scream and curse at how much this unknown hurts. 

Boy, that is some kind of love. (All my parents who have raised teenagers know what I mean here)

It is because of his grace and his love that I can put one foot in the front of the other and continue on this path. There may be more tears, there may be more frustration. He knows that. And He’s still here. 

Friends, I can’t even tell you today how much that means to me. And so even though I may still feel sad and frustrated through this trial, I will praise Him. Because, as last week proved, I am nothing without Him. I am that sobbing mess of a woman without His grace and His love. I am angry and frustrated. I am full of bitterness. I am all sorts of emotions I don’t like coming out of myself. 

And today, after the week I just lived through, I find encouragement in Romans 8:38-39. 

 For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Even when life gets hard, when life brings us hurt, even when I am angry and ashamed of my own actions, God loves. And NOTHING will separate me from the love of God.

And through that love, anything is possible. That is my truth for this week. And I will cling to it as we continue to face this journey.

Thank you all for your continued prayers and messages of encouragement. Many of them have touched my life deeper than you’ll ever know. We go to the doctor at the end of the month, prayers for continued answers are appreciated. 

10 Comments

  1. October 5, 2015 / 6:34 pm

    You and Mark are in my prayers. Your hurt hurts me. Hugs to both of you! ❤️
    I can’t wait to celebrate the day you announce you’re pregnant!!

  2. Lynn
    October 5, 2015 / 7:03 pm

    You are so right, Jenny! I am as certain of this as I am anything: nothing can separate us from the love of God!

    I honor your vlunerability.

    Sending you love and prayers.

  3. October 5, 2015 / 7:14 pm

    ♡ between kids #1 &#2 we struggled going through 3 miscarriages in a year… and then it taking awhile to get pregnant awhile gain after the third. it was gut wrenching. If it weren’t for the fact that we were clinging to God and holding onto the truth that He is a loving, good Father who only wants what’s best for us. Thoughts and prayers with you…

  4. October 5, 2015 / 9:43 pm

    I understand your pain and will continue to pray for you both. Although blessed with 3 beautiful children, I too suffered through a year of failed attempts to conceive… Then a pregnancy and miscarriage. God will be a constant reminder to have faith in his plan. Keep the faith. Take care…

  5. October 6, 2015 / 8:47 am

    Sending you hugs and so many well wishes! Thank you for pouring your heart out. Thank you for sharing your story. Thank you for telling us how trying to start a family really is. God loves you so much Jen. You are one of his disciples.

  6. October 6, 2015 / 9:14 am

    I think we all have those posts that we don’t think we will publish and then we do because someone out there needs to read what we have written. Life is not all unicorns and rainbows. But God is there through it all. And that is what makes getting up every day worth living. You have an amazing voice out here in the world and I am so happy you chose to share your heartache and your “human ness” today because it will only serve to help others. Thank you . I know several who are struggling with this same thing right now and it is so difficult. I plan to pass this along to them. Hugs.
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  7. lemondrop88 Alice W..
    October 6, 2015 / 5:36 pm

    Jenny, I am going to try again to see if this will go to you; my pet peeve.
    I really don’t know how long you have been trying to get pregnant or what your Dr. has chosen to help you along.. But if it has been longer than 6-9 mos. I think I would discuss to him/her about IVF if you have not already. This may sound like interfearing with Gods’ plan but I don’t believe it would as he has let all the progress go on over the years to help us poor humans strive for things.. I will keep you and Mark in my prayers & thoughts as you continue to find Gods’ plan for an increase in your family.. Just don’t give up, and ‘kick butt’ to the enemy that tries his best to tthrought us in the way we try to accomplish our goals. Get plenty of rest, eat healthy and get your exercise then maybe in a month or so you will find a glorious surprise coming your way.. Luv ye girl!!…

  8. Angela
    October 7, 2015 / 5:03 pm

    Your words bring back memories of our struggles. We should also have a 10 yr old boy named Braydon as our eldest child. We lost him at 25 weeks as I had severe pre eclampsia and HELLP syndrome and the doctors in Minneapolis had no choice but to enduse me knowing he was too tiny. Then came 2 miscarriages and finally with some help our twins and then eventually our youngest. Keep the faith !!

  9. October 10, 2015 / 4:11 pm

    I wish we could go out for coffee and have this conversation in person, but . . . just know that I am so sorry you are hurting. It’s hard: the Lord doesn’t promise us children. He doesn’t even promise us a husband or a home! But He does promise never to leave us, never to forsake us. His plan is perfect, and His timing is best, but sometimes it sure doesn’t feel like it. Chris and I will keep you and your husband in our prayers, that He would in fact bless you with children in His good time and that He would hold you close in His love and mercy no matter what.
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